i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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