Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
