My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
