My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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