After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
they need to just BURY HIM!
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
