That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
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