i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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