Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
