Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize