I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
