I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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