My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
