if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
