he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
