You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
