I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
