I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
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