there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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