No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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