I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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