Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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