the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
