to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
