Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
