apparently the secret to your success is patron
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
did i walk over a car last night?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
