i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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