I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
