she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
