I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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