I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
