Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
