i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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