in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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