Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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