my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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