not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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