Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
