you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
