All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
