he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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