Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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