I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
