I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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