im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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