Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
