I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize