We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
