the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
