Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize