Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
