theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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