I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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