Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize