I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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