I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
