So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
