im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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