I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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