He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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