John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
