I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Can I color on your dick again?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
