proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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