Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
