Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
