u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
