Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
