sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
