Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
