My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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